It’s Funny

It’s funny how your perceptions change with age. Do you remember your last visit to your elementary school? How small the chairs were? The tiny toilets? How that chair-rail on the wall used to be at eye level?

Do you remember your last visit to your grandparents’ house? How you used to slide down the stairs head-first and not fear crashing through the window at the base (because you wouldn’t build up enough momentum back then, and if not for this, you would still be doing it)? The sensation of all the body warmth trapped in the tiny living room? That final goodnight? That nervous goodbye?

It’s funny how your eyes are drawn to different things as you grow older. The stucco walls no longer catch your attention. The pit in the cafeteria is more like a divot the floor of a whitewashed cave. Those fancy Papermate mechanical pencils don’t looks so special anymore.

Do you remember when marching band used to be fun? When it wasn’t a rearrangement of the same already-experienced experiences? How tests used to scare you? How getting tests back used to scare you? How you used to try to come up with a coherent response to the plaguing question “Where are you going to go to college”?

It’s funny how you stop using that diary app when times are good, so that when you look back, and read all those negative combinations of words, and remember how lost you sometimes felt, and how you didn’t feel like you had anyone you could really trust anymore, when in reality you had a dozen just waiting for you to initiate a friendship, you doubt your sanity just a little bit. It’s funny how reluctant you are to let go of failing friendships when you doubt your ability to forge new ones.

Do you remember the last best friend you made? How you used to cry from laughing so hard? How you used to smile those finally-someone-understands-me smiles? How your adventures used to seem special, 1/1 for both of you, and not 1/100 for them? How you still felt that connection that best friends have, and didn’t have doubts about your importance to them? Because if you really do matter that much, why is it so $#@*&^ hard to even make plans?

It’s funny how hard it is to be happy when looking in the mirror. How losing 20 pounds isn’t enough, and minutely changing hairstyles, or getting new glasses, becomes so irrelevant so quickly. How all the clothes look the same and give off the image of a different person.

Do you remember the last audition that you left feeling satisfied? How first chair used to matter, or region band used to be some moderate sort of honor? How it felt before that one !$@*^@# audition changed everything?

It’s funny how you can dedicate months toward learning three pieces of music, countless lessons and hours, and moments of pure stress and confusion, and still come out broke on the other side. How failing means missing All-State by two chairs, and that all the pressure came from yourself.

Do you remember the last time you knew where you stood with your friends? How you used to have a group of people you could trust and confide in? How, even if you fussed, you knew they had your back?

It’s funny how easy it is to want to throw in the towel. To just give in/up/not a damn about what happens. The nihilism sets in, and then the vague depression — in that the whole %$*&# deal seems pointless –, and then, out of nowhere, something happens. Anything, really. A dog dies. A friend is made. A test is 100’d (since getting an A is not enough). And you snap out of it.

Do you remember the last day that you didn’t want to take back something you said? (Of course not.) Or when you made it a full 24 hours without… I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore.

I think I just got something off my chest, somewhere in there… honestly I’m not sure.

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “It’s Funny

  1. So, I suppose this counts as commenting yes? Well I found this one quite interesting. Since I might actually connect to this in more ways than one. The details won’t be disclosed of course since this is in public domain, but if the owner wishes to inquire information please do feel free. You know where to find me even though I’m everywhere and nowhere. With age comes wisdom that’s how the saying goes, but with age also comes perspective. The more we learn and grow the more we change. From innocence to high school life. After the initial fright of tests, our sense of suprise and fright dulls down. But honestly we still are dissapointed in low scores and hard tests right? Most of your questions I would answer no since all my past memories kind of get erased. (It’s complicated). We all try to remember the past because we knew less. But knowing more know has helped us to grow and hopefully become a better person. We all have times of depression some more than others. Everything seems awful. Colors turn dull and bland. Life slows to a crawl. Pessimistic views settle in for some. But all can change with one event. I guess you could call it a turning point. I do believe we all have experienced it once whether on a bad day or time in our lives. Something even a infitisemal action is able to revive our motivation to keep going. It’s easy to stop trying in life. It’s harder to get back up and continue fighting. We all have pondered what we have lost and gained with time everynow and then and notice our mistakes and failures. The bad times seem to have easy solutions, and we wonder why we never noticed. Life is like that I guess. You learn how to go through it after you have experienced it. When we forget what we are fighting for and continuing this existance on a small rock in a ever-expanding universe, it’s nice to remeber we have friends beside us and friends to be made to help us along in this journey we call life.

    Like

  2. I absolutely loved this post! I don’t really know why maybe because so many people can connect with it at some point. You listed many things most people have forgotten and it was really cool to think of those again. If your goal was for people to look back on their experiences then BRAVO!! You did great. I really don’t have too much to say because I just enjoyed reading it. You made me remember little things that have slipped out of my mind and it was really interesting what I thought of every time you gave a different example. I don’t really know what to say any more but good job. Keep it up!!!!

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s